6_8_18_

the greatest date this year as of late what 2_18_2018_. just stating the obvious at this point.

currently seriously considering starting a new life. the one i am living now delivers nothing short of an abundance of turbulence, discordance, and strife. i am literally in a personal hell for many years now. i’d love to deliver every soul and cleanse the grand mess but it continues to resurface. like mold in an old, worn shack. better to dump the problem on someone else or tear down the whole structure and start over from the cursed land up. i could do the latter but at what cost? a reoccurring curse as well as more of [my youth and invaluable time & energy] being sapped? i’m sure we’ve all seen\\read poltergeist.

no i am not completely blame free. there was a way out and i had the key.

for the sake of salvation i decided to stay and perform healing rituals as best i could through my voice and actions. i simply may be too bitter to want to perform at my highest level of energy at this given moment. its so clear to me right now that i may never get over this constant depression//self-doubt//anxiety as long as i stay. all variables suggest that it may be best if i push myself away and abandon all i’ve endured for nearly a decade. its simply not the easiest thing to let go of. i may be a slave to circumstance after all—especially whilst having spawn!

i’m going to have to meditate on this more until a solution presents itself in my mind. i really do not want to be rash or impulsive. but i do not want to be stuck in hell either! what would be a pleasant surprise as well as a relief would be to see the solution physically metamorph & present itself, but i don’t want to mislead myself on more false hopes & desire either. things are usually not how they might seem at times in my experience. except for whenever the spade is in fact a spade however!

beware: if you’ve taken any delight whatsoever in my misfortune it will likely present itself in some form in your own existence. not saying thats not allowed or anything but it is pretty damning to orgasm off the suffering of others instead of ones own achievements and pleasure. i guess some kids need to hear that. i know. i was one of them.

later.

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~ by Jace Anthony Manick on June 8, 2018.

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